She looked at the clock and groaned. She'd done it again. The bright red letters read 11:45 AM. She'd been good the past few weeks, waking up during the week before 9AM. The alarms were still set, and she murmurer under her breath about how much she hated her alarm clock. She couldn't remember hearing it go off, but was sure it had. Slept in again, at least classes are over. That was her saving grace. Rolling over she kicked off the covers, only to find she'd left the window open once again. Her room was brisk and she walked over to her closet. Her empty, barren, filled with hangers closet. Everything was either dirty or she'd just washed. Nothing was getting hung up anymore. Everything into bags. The for mom's place and the living clothes, the ones she was going to cycle through until she was moved into her mom's house again. Groaning she turned around and looked at her floor, confident there had to be something she'd only worn for a hour or so that had landed on her floor. She laughed out loud at her self, remembering the times where if it touched her skin it meant it was dirty and had to be washed. Now those clothes became morning pre-shower clothes. Bending over she grabbed his blue collared shirt. There were stains on it but she didn't care. It was clean and she only wore it before bed, or before her shower. She wasn't planning on going anywhere or seeing anyone so she threw it over her bare shoulders. Pausing she looked in the mirror, her hair looked ridiculous. Ends standing in every direction, and way more volume in it then anyone should really have in their hair. Sighing she grabbed the nearest headband off the floor, and walked out of her room. Laughing to herself again as she checked her phone. Messages from him, impatient, waiting for her to get up so they could continue talking. Not about anything particular or important, he just liked filling his time sending her messages, it was more entertaining when she responded. "Yeah. Awake babe, hows work?" was all she typed back, it was all she needed to type back. Hitting send she put her phone down and grabbed her book. "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. It was her fifth time trying to get farther then the third page. She hated the book, it was boring and the words didn't come to life for her. Groaning she settled in on the couch and began again.
She hit the third painful page and stopped, this wasn't working. Her eyes saw the word but didn't process anything it said. Getting up she hit her computer's space bar, and opened up her browser. Going to her search bar she typed 'Audio Heart of Darkness' and went to the first site that showed up. LibroVox. She'd used it before and just hoped she didn't hit a recording with a monotone speaker. It loaded up and it was a perky girl speaking, so she turned around, grabbed her book and flipped to the beginning again. "Okay, lets Paradise Lost this bitch" she said to her apartment. Following along she kept finding how boring the book was, it wasn't her style and she didn't understand how her brother liked it.
As the recording went on she started cleaning up. First the dishes from the dishwasher, then the dishes in the sink. The recording played on and on, the perky voice filling her apartment with the story. Checking her phone she notice Cee was coming over. Dropping off their stuff to move in before she even had moved out. Benefits of moving into a apartment occupied still by someone like family. You could eat for free and move in dates were more of suggestions rather then definitive. Cee called, they were outside wanting help to bring their stuff up. She hung up and found some pants to put on, heading out the door she grabbed her keys, she still hadn't showered. She could smell her faint odour of BO, thankfully nothing bad, just a reminder she should shower. Her feet thudded on the concrete stairs, the air smelt stale. Not a food stale, just ... lifeless. There was no other sound beside her feet hitting the next stair, the swish of her clothes as she moved. It was sort of tranquil, like you were cut of from the rest of the world. The silence was alluring. She stopped just before opening the lobby door. She put on a smile, it was time again to watch as she was slowly shoved out of her apartment.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Ets
So left my apartment today at 4:41PM to catch the 5PM bus to get to Concordia early before her 6PM exam. Stopped at subway to grab a meatball sub. Was eating half of it and had about three normal bites left when the 2 bus showed up. Grabbed my bus pass, stepped onto the bus when I heard the bus driver go "get off" I looked up from my sandwich, confused. "ummm" was all I said when she repeated herself "Get off the bus. No Food. Get off now." She pointed up at something I'm not sure, I never paid attention to what was above the driver. I stood there I'm sure looking like a idiot. "are you serious?!" was all i said before again hearing her repeat herself. "get off the bus now." I backed up off the bus and onto the side walk, still confused and not understanding why her tone was more like "get the fuck off" opposed to hey, this is the rule, sorry kid. I looked at my food and then at the driver who now no longer paid attention to me. I needed that bus. There was two infront of her. It was safer for her to wait opposed to pulling out ahead of the two other buses so I shoved the food into my mouth and walked to the garbage can. It wasnt that far away and I turned back and she was gone. pulled ahead and was covered by the other two buses. I'd make it worse for myself if i tried to get onto her bus, I wasn't stupid, I wasn't going to risk getting hit. I was already upset by this point. Third time i'd been appalled by the buses in a week. Would it have been so hard to ask me to put my food away? Or throw it out? Offer to wait? Instead of being rude and kicking me off. Never been kicked off before, never even been told I cant eat on the bus. Done it plenty of times before. I wasn't some punk kid who screamed I'm going to make a mess. I didn't get it.
I walked to the LRT called the complaint line and told them. The guy was as stunned as me. Wasn't even aware there was a rule that allowed the driver to kick me off for having food. Told me to write a letter and that he'd pass along the complaint.
Walked down the LRT steps and caught the LRT to Coliseum. Went to get the Shuttle bus that DIDN'T SHOW and had to walk to Concordia. Course in my attempt to save time opposed to making the 10 - 15min walk that would for sure make me late I waited. Called ETS to see if the shuttle was running still. Got told it was and just hold on it would be there at 5:41. Didnt show.
THANKS ETS!!! Good thing my proff was amazing and let me write. You could have cost me my education. THANKS for being assholes. OH!! and if i see that bus driver again, i'm gonna flip. fucking bitch
I walked to the LRT called the complaint line and told them. The guy was as stunned as me. Wasn't even aware there was a rule that allowed the driver to kick me off for having food. Told me to write a letter and that he'd pass along the complaint.
Walked down the LRT steps and caught the LRT to Coliseum. Went to get the Shuttle bus that DIDN'T SHOW and had to walk to Concordia. Course in my attempt to save time opposed to making the 10 - 15min walk that would for sure make me late I waited. Called ETS to see if the shuttle was running still. Got told it was and just hold on it would be there at 5:41. Didnt show.
THANKS ETS!!! Good thing my proff was amazing and let me write. You could have cost me my education. THANKS for being assholes. OH!! and if i see that bus driver again, i'm gonna flip. fucking bitch
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Introduction of the blind - Emotionaly Raw
I will bare all and I will not hold back. I'll say what I feel and I'll never lie. I'm human, I mess up, I fail and at the end of the day I'm not proud of all my actions, or who I was in the past. I've learned to stop regretting the past, and to accept what happens and move on. I've never been a blogger and while I've wanted to since I first learned what blogs were, I've always been afraid of putting myself out there. I've spent my life trying to please someone in some way or another. Even now I catch myself considering changing who I am, not for myself, not to better myself, but because someone doesn't like something about me, or doesn't like me in general. I'm terrified of being alone, yet I'm equal terrified of letting people in cause that's when they hurt you.
Emotional background information because I have no idea what else to write about right now, and because one of the reason I'm doing this is to force myself to stop being closed off and actually allowing people to know who I am. As well by the end I know I'm going to feel so much better because alot I've not said out loud because it often feels like people in my life are only there because of what I do for them, not because of WHO I am.
In elementary I remember first wanting everyone to like me, then giving up and doing whatever the kids seem to want from me. I made the mistake that all girls make when they are young and admitted when I had a crush. Of course looking back, I barely remember the guy and my current best friend is constantly reminding me about it and how obsessed I was with this guy. I feel bad when I look back because I don't even remember actually liking him, and only bits of it are now coming back (I spent a couple years mentally blocking out the parts I didn't like from elementary) and each memory has this overtone of only being obsessed with him because people I went to school with found it amusing and pushed it. Not for who the guy actually was. Even reading old diary entries I cant recall the feelings I had for him. I allowed what other people wanted to influence who I was, and I don't remember being actually HAPPY back then.
Then moving into High School I again let my friends influence who I was, I wasn't happy at my core and I didn't really like who I was, and felt that I had to do what my friends wanted in order for them to like me and still be my friend. I remember in grade nine scraping at my wrists with sharp objects because I wasn't happy and that's what all "my friends" were doing and they supported me. "Hey its only a little cut and you feel better" I remember dragging scissors across my wrist in my bedroom wishing I could make it go deeper and somehow (God?) no matter how much pressure I put I never scrapped past the first few layers. There was very few people in my life that weren't family who looked at me, cried and said WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING PLEASE STOP and out of them only one person sticks in my mind, for her I am eternally grateful because she saved my life. I even recall one time sitting in the bathroom, water running, my mom telling me that its late and I needed to get into my bed for school and carving the word useless into my leg. It was the first time I drew blood, and the instant that I had finished the word I felt regret and shame. Looking back and being honest with myself, as much as some days I didn't want to wake up to the world, it was because I didn't like who I was, and I was living for other people not for myself. Its totally a contraction but I didn't want to end my life myself, I just wanted to not wake up the next day.
In College the first two years again I spend fighting between letting people control me and trying to be who I wanted to be. I was blessed with people who had a glimpse into the woman I was and they encouraged me to fight against other people's control. It was hard sometimes, especially when I was letting someone control me who I felt a emotional attachment with. The girl who saved my life was in a different city and as much as I knew she was living her life, and as proud of her as I was, at my core I felt complete abandonment and when someone came around who had a stronger personality then me, and who seems as fucked up as I was I allowed him to control who I was. Whenever I attempted to do what I wanted or be who I wanted it resulted in fights and me feeling horrible. It took a entire year before I was able to start being who I wanted to be and fighting back for the first time in my life to truly gain control.
It wasn't until the summer before moving away from home that I feel I gained control of my life. I started accepting my actions, looking at all sides of a situation and basically just trying to be in control of my own life. It wasn't until I started to meet people here, thanks to the best brother in the world, that seemed to truly want the best for me that I started doing things for me. That I learned what its really like to be happy, to be a positive person and it wasn't until I had a understand and amazing boyfriend that allows me to do what I want and holds my hand through each experience that I felt that I can mess up and it will be okay. I can do something my friends won't like and they wont leave me because they disagree with something. I can fight with my boyfriend and at the end he'll still hug and kiss me and hide my clothes on me because he cares as much for me as I do for him (which btw baby is a truly amazing experience). I've lost amazing people this year from my life, and as much as I want them back I will never beg for them to come back because I know believe that people who want to be in your life will make the effort to be in it, and those who don't, don't deserve to have you in theirs.
I like doing things for others, and if you're important to me I will go to the ends of the earth for you. I'll help fight your battles and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I'll let you walk all over me but the second you hurt me or become ungrateful I fall apart and start to withdraw.
NOW, man does that ever feel better! Total weight off my chest. :) haha sorry for all the suckers who had to read it!! I promise next time I blog I'll have something to say!! I'm actually a super happy person sometimes, it even pisses me off how happy I am. Seriously.
As I'm sitting here in my school library, I'm drinking my delicious bottle of Orange Juice, which is probably grown into my tied for second favorite drink. First right now its Grape Juice, because it is totally delicious, then Lemonade (Iced Passion Tea Lemonade) and Orange Juice(Minute Maid is the best), then some super cold water followed by deliciously cold milk. People seem to underestimate the goodness of a good drink. And everyone out there reading, that is think "are you serious? you have a preference for water?" then you've never had a truly awesome drink of water. Colder is not better however! Either stick it in your fridge for a good hour or two, or fill your glass with some ice. Heck I even dare someone after reading this to try out different temperatures of water and tell me about how each one tasted. The warm ones I find have a weird taste to them.
Course you got to make sure you have some favorite hot drinks, so anyone looking to try something a little different, go to your local STARBUCKS and order a passion tea, steeped in steamed lemonade with six pumps of raspberry syrup NO WATER. If you have a cold it makes you feel so much better, I'm serious I've had so many of them this year its ridiculous, I've even become 'one of those' people! Also if your a Chai Tea fan, try your Chai Tea Latte, no water, with your Chai syrup steamed with your milk. So much better.
Talking about drinks, I'm trying to trick myself into liking tea, and I've discovered that Earl Grey, while it may be popular is a weird drink. I don't understand the appeal to it, however for all those Earl Grey lovers out there, all the power too you. It smells delicious! I envy you that your taste-buds enjoy it... now if only Starbucks would start selling candles scented like their teas... I'd be buying them up like hot cakes!
Haha sorry to all you who had to suffer the raw first part to get to the part about delicious drinks!! I hope I've said something that resonates with someone. :) :) I'm sure after a while I'll get better with this whole blogging thing, and if no one reads it then who cares. I'm going to do this for me!
ps Red Wing are going to take the cup this year.
Emotional background information because I have no idea what else to write about right now, and because one of the reason I'm doing this is to force myself to stop being closed off and actually allowing people to know who I am. As well by the end I know I'm going to feel so much better because alot I've not said out loud because it often feels like people in my life are only there because of what I do for them, not because of WHO I am.
In elementary I remember first wanting everyone to like me, then giving up and doing whatever the kids seem to want from me. I made the mistake that all girls make when they are young and admitted when I had a crush. Of course looking back, I barely remember the guy and my current best friend is constantly reminding me about it and how obsessed I was with this guy. I feel bad when I look back because I don't even remember actually liking him, and only bits of it are now coming back (I spent a couple years mentally blocking out the parts I didn't like from elementary) and each memory has this overtone of only being obsessed with him because people I went to school with found it amusing and pushed it. Not for who the guy actually was. Even reading old diary entries I cant recall the feelings I had for him. I allowed what other people wanted to influence who I was, and I don't remember being actually HAPPY back then.
Then moving into High School I again let my friends influence who I was, I wasn't happy at my core and I didn't really like who I was, and felt that I had to do what my friends wanted in order for them to like me and still be my friend. I remember in grade nine scraping at my wrists with sharp objects because I wasn't happy and that's what all "my friends" were doing and they supported me. "Hey its only a little cut and you feel better" I remember dragging scissors across my wrist in my bedroom wishing I could make it go deeper and somehow (God?) no matter how much pressure I put I never scrapped past the first few layers. There was very few people in my life that weren't family who looked at me, cried and said WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING PLEASE STOP and out of them only one person sticks in my mind, for her I am eternally grateful because she saved my life. I even recall one time sitting in the bathroom, water running, my mom telling me that its late and I needed to get into my bed for school and carving the word useless into my leg. It was the first time I drew blood, and the instant that I had finished the word I felt regret and shame. Looking back and being honest with myself, as much as some days I didn't want to wake up to the world, it was because I didn't like who I was, and I was living for other people not for myself. Its totally a contraction but I didn't want to end my life myself, I just wanted to not wake up the next day.
In College the first two years again I spend fighting between letting people control me and trying to be who I wanted to be. I was blessed with people who had a glimpse into the woman I was and they encouraged me to fight against other people's control. It was hard sometimes, especially when I was letting someone control me who I felt a emotional attachment with. The girl who saved my life was in a different city and as much as I knew she was living her life, and as proud of her as I was, at my core I felt complete abandonment and when someone came around who had a stronger personality then me, and who seems as fucked up as I was I allowed him to control who I was. Whenever I attempted to do what I wanted or be who I wanted it resulted in fights and me feeling horrible. It took a entire year before I was able to start being who I wanted to be and fighting back for the first time in my life to truly gain control.
It wasn't until the summer before moving away from home that I feel I gained control of my life. I started accepting my actions, looking at all sides of a situation and basically just trying to be in control of my own life. It wasn't until I started to meet people here, thanks to the best brother in the world, that seemed to truly want the best for me that I started doing things for me. That I learned what its really like to be happy, to be a positive person and it wasn't until I had a understand and amazing boyfriend that allows me to do what I want and holds my hand through each experience that I felt that I can mess up and it will be okay. I can do something my friends won't like and they wont leave me because they disagree with something. I can fight with my boyfriend and at the end he'll still hug and kiss me and hide my clothes on me because he cares as much for me as I do for him (which btw baby is a truly amazing experience). I've lost amazing people this year from my life, and as much as I want them back I will never beg for them to come back because I know believe that people who want to be in your life will make the effort to be in it, and those who don't, don't deserve to have you in theirs.
I like doing things for others, and if you're important to me I will go to the ends of the earth for you. I'll help fight your battles and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I'll let you walk all over me but the second you hurt me or become ungrateful I fall apart and start to withdraw.
NOW, man does that ever feel better! Total weight off my chest. :) haha sorry for all the suckers who had to read it!! I promise next time I blog I'll have something to say!! I'm actually a super happy person sometimes, it even pisses me off how happy I am. Seriously.
As I'm sitting here in my school library, I'm drinking my delicious bottle of Orange Juice, which is probably grown into my tied for second favorite drink. First right now its Grape Juice, because it is totally delicious, then Lemonade (Iced Passion Tea Lemonade) and Orange Juice(Minute Maid is the best), then some super cold water followed by deliciously cold milk. People seem to underestimate the goodness of a good drink. And everyone out there reading, that is think "are you serious? you have a preference for water?" then you've never had a truly awesome drink of water. Colder is not better however! Either stick it in your fridge for a good hour or two, or fill your glass with some ice. Heck I even dare someone after reading this to try out different temperatures of water and tell me about how each one tasted. The warm ones I find have a weird taste to them.
Course you got to make sure you have some favorite hot drinks, so anyone looking to try something a little different, go to your local STARBUCKS and order a passion tea, steeped in steamed lemonade with six pumps of raspberry syrup NO WATER. If you have a cold it makes you feel so much better, I'm serious I've had so many of them this year its ridiculous, I've even become 'one of those' people! Also if your a Chai Tea fan, try your Chai Tea Latte, no water, with your Chai syrup steamed with your milk. So much better.
Talking about drinks, I'm trying to trick myself into liking tea, and I've discovered that Earl Grey, while it may be popular is a weird drink. I don't understand the appeal to it, however for all those Earl Grey lovers out there, all the power too you. It smells delicious! I envy you that your taste-buds enjoy it... now if only Starbucks would start selling candles scented like their teas... I'd be buying them up like hot cakes!
Haha sorry to all you who had to suffer the raw first part to get to the part about delicious drinks!! I hope I've said something that resonates with someone. :) :) I'm sure after a while I'll get better with this whole blogging thing, and if no one reads it then who cares. I'm going to do this for me!
ps Red Wing are going to take the cup this year.
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