Introduction of the blind - Emotionaly Raw

I will bare all and I will not hold back. I'll say what I feel and I'll never lie. I'm human, I mess up, I fail and at the end of the day I'm not proud of all my actions, or who I was in the past. I've learned to stop regretting the past, and to accept what happens and move on. I've never been a blogger and while I've wanted to since I first learned what blogs were, I've always been afraid of putting myself out there. I've spent my life trying to please someone in some way or another. Even now I catch myself considering changing who I am, not for myself, not to better myself, but because someone doesn't like something about me, or doesn't like me in general. I'm terrified of being alone, yet I'm equal terrified of letting people in cause that's when they hurt you.

Emotional background information because I have no idea what else to write about right now, and because one of the reason I'm doing this is to force myself to stop being closed off and actually allowing people to know who I am. As well by the end I know I'm going to feel so much better because alot I've not said out loud because it often feels like people in my life are only there because of what I do for them, not because of WHO I am.

In elementary I remember first wanting everyone to like me, then giving up and doing whatever the kids seem to want from me. I made the mistake that all girls make when they are young and admitted when I had a crush. Of course looking back, I barely remember the guy and my current best friend is constantly reminding me about it and how obsessed I was with this guy. I feel bad when I look back because I don't even remember actually liking him, and only bits of it are now coming back (I spent a couple years mentally blocking out the parts I didn't like from elementary) and each memory has this overtone of only being obsessed with him because people I went to school with found it amusing and pushed it. Not for who the guy actually was. Even reading old diary entries I cant recall the feelings I had for him. I allowed what other people wanted to influence who I was, and I don't remember being actually HAPPY back then.

Then moving into High School I again let my friends influence who I was, I wasn't happy at my core and I didn't really like who I was, and felt that I had to do what my friends wanted in order for them to like me and still be my friend. I remember in grade nine scraping at my wrists with sharp objects because I wasn't happy and that's what all "my friends" were doing and they supported me. "Hey its only a little cut and you feel better" I remember dragging scissors across my wrist in my bedroom wishing I could make it go deeper and somehow (God?) no matter how much pressure I put I never scrapped past the first few layers. There was very few people in my life that weren't family who looked at me, cried and said WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING PLEASE STOP and out of them only one person sticks in my mind, for her I am eternally grateful because she saved my life. I even recall one time sitting in the bathroom, water running, my mom telling me that its late and I needed to get into my bed for school and carving the word useless into my leg. It was the first time I drew blood, and the instant that I had finished the word I felt regret and shame. Looking back and being honest with myself, as much as some days I didn't want to wake up to the world, it was because I didn't like who I was, and I was living for other people not for myself. Its totally a contraction but I didn't want to end my life myself, I just wanted to not wake up the next day.

In College the first two years again I spend fighting between letting people control me and trying to be who I wanted to be. I was blessed with people who had a glimpse into the woman I was and they encouraged me to fight against other people's control. It was hard sometimes, especially when I was letting someone control me who I felt a emotional attachment with. The girl who saved my life was in a different city and as much as I knew she was living her life, and as proud of her as I was, at my core I felt complete abandonment and when someone came around who had a stronger personality then me, and who seems as fucked up as I was I allowed him to control who I was. Whenever I attempted to do what I wanted or be who I wanted it resulted in fights and me feeling horrible. It took a entire year before I was able to start being who I wanted to be and fighting back for the first time in my life to truly gain control.

It wasn't until the summer before moving away from home that I feel I gained control of my life. I started accepting my actions, looking at all sides of a situation and basically just trying to be in control of my own life. It wasn't until I started to meet people here, thanks to the best brother in the world, that seemed to truly want the best for me that I started doing things for me. That I learned what its really like to be happy, to be a positive person and it wasn't until I had a understand and amazing boyfriend that allows me to do what I want and holds my hand through each experience that I felt that I can mess up and it will be okay. I can do something my friends won't like and they wont leave me because they disagree with something. I can fight with my boyfriend and at the end he'll still hug and kiss me and hide my clothes on me because he cares as much for me as I do for him (which btw baby is a truly amazing experience). I've lost amazing people this year from my life, and as much as I want them back I will never beg for them to come back because I know believe that people who want to be in your life will make the effort to be in it, and those who don't, don't deserve to have you in theirs.

I like doing things for others, and if you're important to me I will go to the ends of the earth for you. I'll help fight your battles and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I'll let you walk all over me but the second you hurt me or become ungrateful I fall apart and start to withdraw.

NOW, man does that ever feel better! Total weight off my chest. :) haha sorry for all the suckers who had to read it!! I promise next time I blog I'll have something to say!! I'm actually a super happy person sometimes, it even pisses me off how happy I am. Seriously.

As I'm sitting here in my school library, I'm drinking my delicious bottle of Orange Juice, which is probably grown into my tied for second favorite drink. First right now its Grape Juice, because it is totally delicious, then Lemonade (Iced Passion Tea Lemonade) and Orange Juice(Minute Maid is the best), then some super cold water followed by deliciously cold milk.  People seem to underestimate the goodness of a good drink. And everyone out there reading, that is think "are you serious? you have a preference for water?" then you've never had a truly awesome drink of water. Colder is not better however! Either stick it in your fridge for a good hour or two, or fill your glass with some ice. Heck I even dare someone after reading this to try out different temperatures of water and tell me about how each one tasted. The warm ones I find have a weird taste to them.

 Course you got to make sure you have some favorite hot drinks, so anyone looking to try something a little different, go to your local STARBUCKS and order a passion tea, steeped in steamed lemonade with six pumps of raspberry syrup NO WATER. If you have a cold it makes you feel so much better, I'm serious I've had so many of them this year its ridiculous, I've even become 'one of those' people! Also if your a Chai Tea fan, try your Chai Tea Latte, no water, with your Chai syrup steamed with your milk. So much better.

Talking about drinks, I'm trying to trick myself into liking tea, and I've discovered that Earl Grey, while it may be popular is a weird drink. I don't understand the appeal to it, however for all those Earl Grey lovers out there, all the power too you. It smells delicious! I envy you that your taste-buds enjoy it... now if only Starbucks would start selling candles scented like their teas... I'd be buying them up like hot cakes!

Haha sorry to all you who had to suffer the raw first part to get to the part about delicious drinks!! I hope I've said something that resonates with someone. :) :) I'm sure after a while I'll get better with this whole blogging thing, and if no one reads it then who cares. I'm going to do this for me!

ps Red Wing are going to take the cup this year.